Spilling...

I haven't written for a long time. I used to keep journals, and would fill them one after another. Until I had amassed a huge collection of them. Then I was embarrassed that someone would find and read them so I would rip them up and throw them away or burn a stack of them. Seriously I've probably filled 50+ journals since I was a teen until around the time I got married. Most of them were probably filled with embarrassing details about crushes but they also held prayers and things that my soul only whispered but I never said aloud. 

I wrote as part of my job for a non-profit in Thailand as a media coordinator. I used to write email updates and blog posts about life on the border and about experiences with refugee families. I wanted to write to expand the world of people who couldn't see it for themselves. 

One thing about me I think you should know is that I am VERY sensitive to criticism. Like, I want to curl up into a ball and die if someone doesn't like something I've worked on or created. I've matured a little bit and can handle feedback a teensy bit better (at least professionally) now, but if you tell me something negative, I will hold onto it and remember it for life. 

So turns out my writing for blogging needed to be edited, and somehow during the process it kind of crushed my soul that I felt I had poured into these pieces. And I didn't want to offer anything up or put anything out into the world anymore that could be potentially talked about, made fun of or criticized. I decided to stop writing. I am a graphic designer by trade and was an art student in college, and I found it very hard to create anything after that point. That was around the time I got engaged or married. There were other things going on at that time that were similarly soul crushing, so I went into an incubated period where I didn't do anything creative for several years. 
Starting farmgirl four years ago was a toe dipped back into the pond of creating. I finally felt my soul starting to come alive again. I have experienced so much joy through starting this business. But I haven't dared to write in over 7 years. This is the first time I've tried. I know my grammar and sentence structure isn't perfect, but I'm just trying to write from the heart. And spill out onto paper what I've experienced and share it with you. And hope that you'll share with me also.